i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize