Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
