I haven't been this sober since birth.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
