i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
