I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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