Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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