Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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