First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
