Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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