I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize