so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
