Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
