Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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