her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
