margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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