I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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