Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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