I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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