my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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