Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
