Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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