take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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