We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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