I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
