I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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