Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
