just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
