I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
