Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
