Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
