So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
