John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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