my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
