You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
