i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
That's how pantless uber rides happen
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
