Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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