I think scott just propositioned me for sex
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
