He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
