I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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