so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
