During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
