So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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