Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
