I'm so fucking centered right now
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
