Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
