I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
