Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
