I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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