I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
