my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
