I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just pee around me
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
