Fine. I'll sleep in my office
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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