Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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