I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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