these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
