you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
