Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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